Thursday, August 22, 2013

Fat Girl Running

A horrible title, no?  But it's true.  I don't like to think of myself as the "f" word.  But I can't hide from it any longer.  I've struggled with body image issues (imagined or real) since puberty.  I come from a long generation of self-loathing women.  It's no good, and it doesn't square with the contentment I know that I'm supposed to find with my Lord.  This summer, something finally clicked.  The Lord doesn't care if I'm slender or conventionally attractive.  But He does expect me to take some care of this earthly body that he gifted me with, and to show some discipline in that arena.  It's truly, truly not about my weight anymore.  You know how I know that?  Because I haven't lost a pound since starting my exercise regimen almost three months ago.  And yet, I'm still at it - FatGirlRunning.  Because it's not about what I see in the mirror.  It's about what I feel inside (and I don't mean that in a mushy-gushy New Age way, I mean literally, how I feel physically stronger).  And I can do things I never dreamed of doing a mere six months ago, like run for 20 minutes without stopping or run for 8 miles in a week.  I'm both proud of and utterly humbled by this experience.  I'm proud because I've finally stuck with something, even though I'm not getting the results I feel I "deserve" (am I the only one who has to constantly dial back her expectations because they bring little but frustration and heartache?).  And I'm humbled because I truly did not do it on my own.  I wouldn't have had the strength.  Plain and simple.  It was His doing.  And he's started a work in me that he will see to completion.  I don't know yet what that completion will look like.  Maybe someday I'll lose the excess weight.  Maybe not.  That's blessedly besides the point anymore.  My vow to the Lord, with the world as my witness, is that I will not allow my lack of discipline and my self-indulgence to obstruct His work any longer.

Myself and my "little" brothers on our recent trip to Hawaii, at the top of the Diamond Head climb.